he leaned over the
handlebars； head low； face forward； his shiny hair whipping against the russet
skin of his back。 My eyes
narrowed enviously。 I was sure I hadn't looked like that on my motorcycle。
I was surprised at how far I'd gone。 I could barely see Jacob in the distance
when he finally got to the
truck。 He threw the bike into the bed and sprinted to the driver's side。
I really didn't feel bad at all as he coaxed my truck to a deafening roar in
his hurry to get back to me。 My
head stung a little； and my stomach was uneasy； but the cut wasn't serious。
Head wounds just bled more
than most。 His urgency wasn't necessary。
Jacob left the truck running as he raced back to me； wrapping his arm around
my waist again。
〃Okay； let's get you in the truck。〃
〃I'm honestly fine；〃 I assured him as he helped me in。 〃Don't get worked up。
It's just a little blood。〃
〃Just a lot of blood；〃 I heard him mutter as he went back for my bike。
〃Now； let's think about this for a second；〃 I began when he got back in。 〃If
you take me to the ER like
this； Charlie is sure to hear about it。〃 I glanced down at the sand and dirt
caked into my jeans。
〃Bella； I think you need stitches。 I'm not going to let you bleed to death。〃
〃I won't；〃 I promised。 〃Let's just take the bikes back first； and then we'll
make a stop at my house so I
can dispose of the evidence before we go to the hospital。〃
〃What about Charlie？〃
〃He said he had to work today。〃
〃Are you really sure？〃
〃Trust me。 I'm an easy bleeder。 It's not nearly as dire as it looks。〃
Jacob wasn't happy—his full mouth turned down in an uncharacteristic frown—
but he didn't want to get
me in trouble。 I stared out the window； holding his ruined shirt to my head；
while he drove me to Forks。
The motorcycle was better than I'd dreamed。 It had served its original
purpose。 I'd cheated—broken my
promise。 I'd been needlessly reckless。 I felt a little less pathetic now that
the promises had been broken
on both sides。
And then to discover the key to the hallucinations！ At least； I hoped I had。 I
was going to test the theory
as soon as possible。 Maybe they'd get through with me quickly in the ER； and I
could try again tonight。
Racing down the road like that had been amazing。 The feel of the wind in my
face； the speed and the
freedom it reminded me of a past life； flying through the thick forest
without a road； piggyback while he
ran—I stopped thinking right there； letting the memory break off in the
sudden agony。 I flinched。
〃You still okay？〃 Jacob checked。
〃Yeah。〃 I tried to sound as convincing as before。
〃By the way；〃 he added。 〃I'm going to disconnect your foot brake tonight。〃
At home； I went to look at myself in the mirror first thing； it was pretty
gruesome。 Blood was drying in
thick streaks across my cheek and neck； matting in my muddy hair。 I examined
myself clinically；
pretending the blood was paint so it wouldn't upset my stomach。 I breathed
through my mouth； and was
fine。
I washed up as well as I could。 Then I hid my dirty； bloody clothes in the
bottom of my laundry basket；
putting on new jeans and a button…up shirt （that I didn't have to pull over my
head） as carefully as I could。
I managed to do this one…handed and keep both garments blood…free。
〃Hurry up；〃 Jacob called。
〃Okay； okay；〃 I shouted back。 After making sure I left nothing incriminating
behind me； I headed
downstairs。
〃How do I look？〃 I asked him。
〃Better；〃 he admitted。
〃But do I look like I tripped in your garage and hit my head on a hammer？〃
〃Sure； I guess so。〃
〃Let's go then。〃
Jacob hurried me out the door； and insisted on driving again。 We were halfway
to the hospital when I
realized he was still shirtless。
I frowned guiltily。 〃We should have grabbed you a jacket。〃
〃That would have given us away；〃 he teased。 〃Besides； it's not cold。〃
〃Are you kidding？〃 I shivered and reached out to turn the heat on。
I watched Jacob to see if he was just playing tough so I wouldn't worry； but
he looked fortable
enough。 He had one arm over the back of my seat； though I was huddled up to
keep warm。
Jacob really did look older than sixteen—not quite forty； but maybe older
than me。 Quil didn't have too
much on him in the muscle department； for all that Jacob claimed to be a
skeleton。 The muscles were the
long wiry kind； but they were definitely there under the smooth skin。 His skin
was such a pretty color； it
made me jealous。
Jacob noticed my scrutiny。
〃What？〃 he asked； suddenly self…conscious。
〃Nothing。 I just hadn't realized before。 Did you know； you're sort of
beautiful？〃
Once the words slipped out； I worried that he might take my impulsive
observation the wrong way。
But Jacob just rolled his eyes。 〃You hit your head pretty hard； didn't you？〃
〃I'm serious。〃
〃Well； then； thanks。 Sort of。〃
I grinned。 〃You're sort of wele。〃
I had to have seven stitches to c lose the cut on my forehead。 After the sting
of the local anesthetic； there
was no pain in the procedure。 Jacob held my hand while Dr。 Snow was sewing；
and I tried not to think
about why that was ironic。
We were at the hospital forever。 By the time I was done； I had to drop Jacob
off at his home and hurry
back to cook dinner for Charlie。 Charlie seemed to buy my story about falling
in Jacob's garage。 After
all； it wasn't like I hadn't been able to land myself in the ER before with no
more help than my own feet。
This night was not as bad as that first night； after I'd heard the perfect
voice in Port Angeles。 The hole
came back； the way it always did when I was away from Jacob； but it didn't
throb so badly around the
edges。 I was already planning ahead； looking forward to more delusions； and
that was a distraction。
Also； I knew I would feel better tomorrow when I was with Jacob again。 That
made the empty hole and
the familiar pain easier to bear； relief was in sight。 The nightmare； too； had
lost a little of its potency。 I was
horrified by the nothingness； as always； but I was also strangely impatient as
I waited for the moment that
would send me screaming into consciousness。 I knew the nightmare had to end。
The next Wednesday； before I could get home from the ER； Dr。 Gerandy called to
warn my father that I
might possibly have a concussion and advised him to wake me up every two hours
through the night to
make sure it wasn't serious。 Charlie's eyes narrowed suspiciously at my weak
explanation about tripping
again。
〃Maybe you should just stay out of the garage altogether； Bella；〃 he suggested
that night during dinner。
I panicked； worried that Charlie was about to lay down some kind of edict that
would prohibit La Push；
and consequently my motorcycle。 And I wasn't giving it up—I'd had the most
amazing hallucination
today。 My velvet…voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minutes
before I'd hit the brake too
abruptly and launched myself into the tree。 I'd take whatever pain that would
cause me tonight without
plaint。
〃This didn't happen in the garage；〃 I protested quickly。 〃We were hiking； and
I tripped over a rock。〃
〃Since when do you hike？〃 Charlie asked skeptically。
〃Working at Newton's was bound to rub off sometime；〃 I pointed out。 〃Spend
every day selling all the
virtues of the outdoors； eventually you get curious。〃
Charlie glared at me； unconvinced。
〃I'll be more careful；〃 I promised； surreptitiously crossing my fingers under
the table。
〃I don't mind you hiking right there around La Push； but keep close to town；
okay？〃
〃Why？〃
〃Well； we've been getting a lot of wildlife plaints lately。 The forestry
department is going to check into
it； but for the time being〃
〃Oh； the big bear；〃 I said with sudden prehension。 〃Yeah； some of the
hikers ing through
Newton's have seen it。 Do you think there's really some giant mutated grizzly
out there？〃
His forehead creased。 〃There's something。 Keep it close to town； okay？〃
〃Sure； sure；〃 I said quickly。 He didn't look pletely appeased。
〃Charlie's getting nosy；〃 I plained to Jacob when I picked him up after
school Friday。
〃Maybe we should cool it with the bikes。〃 He saw my objecting expression and
added； 〃At least for a
week or so。 You could stay out of the hospital for a week； right？〃
〃What are we going to do？〃 I griped。
He smiled cheerfully。 〃What ever you want。〃
I thought about that for a minute—about what I wanted。
I hated the idea of losing even my brief seconds of closeness with the
memories that didn't hurt—the ones
that came on their own； without me thinking of them consciously。 If I couldn't
have the bikes； I was going
to have to find some other avenue to the danger and the adrenaline； and that
was going to take serious
thought and creativity。 Doing nothing in the meantime was not appealing。
Suppose I got depressed again；
even with Jake？ I had to keep occupied。
Maybe there was some other way； some other recipe some other place。
The house had been a mistake； certainly。 But his presence must be stamped
somewhere； somewhere
other than inside me。 There had to be a place where he seemed more real than
among all the familiar
landmarks that were crowded with other human memories。
I could think of one place where that might hold true。 One place that would
always belong to him and no
one else。 A magic place； full of light。 The beautiful meadow I'd seen only
once in my life； lit by sunshine
and the sparkle of his skin。
This idea had a huge potential for backfiring—it might be dangerously
painful。 My chest ached with
emptiness even to think of it。 It was hard to hold myself upright； to not give
myself away。 But surely； there
of all places； I could hear his voice。 And I'd already told Charlie I was
hiking
〃What are you thinking about so hard？〃 Jacob asked。
〃Well〃 I began slowly。 〃I found this place in the forest once—I came across
it when I was； um； hiking。
A little meadow； the most beautiful place。 I don't know if I could track it
down again on my own。 It
would definitely take a few tries〃
〃We could use a pass and a grid pattern；〃 Jacob said with confident
helpfulness。 〃Do you know
where you started from？〃
〃Yes； just below the trailhead where the one…ten ends。 I was going mostly
south； I think。〃
〃Cool。 We'll find it。〃 As always； Jacob was game for anything I wanted。 No
matter how strange it was。
So； Saturday afternoon； I tied on my new hiking boots—purchased that morning
using my
twenty…per…cent…off employee discount for the first time—grabbed my new
topographical map of the
Olympic Peninsula； and drove to La Push。
We didn't get started immediately； first； Jacob sprawled across the living
room floor—taking up the
whole room—and； for a full twenty minutes； drew a plicated web across the
key section of the map
while I perched on a kitchen chair and talked to Billy。 Billy didn't seem at
all concerned about our
proposed hiking trip。 I was surprised that Jacob had told him where we were
going； given the fuss people
were making about the bear sightings。 I wanted to ask Billy not to say
anything about this to Charlie； but I
was afraid that making the re