onto it obstinately。
〃This doesn't really bother you； does it？〃 he demanded； squeezing my fingers。
〃No；〃 I sighed。 Truthfully； it felt nice。 His hand was so much warmer than
mine； I always felt too cold
these days。
〃And you don't care what he thinks。〃 Jacob jerked his thumb toward the
bathroom。
〃I guess not。〃
〃So what's the problem？〃
〃The problem；〃 I said； 〃is； that it means something different to me than it
does to you。〃
〃Well。〃 He tightened his hand around mine 〃That's my problem； isn't it？〃
〃Fine；〃 I grumbled。 〃Don't forget it； though。〃
〃I won't。 The pin's out of the grenade for me； now； eh？〃 He poked me in the
ribs。
I rolled my eyes。 I guess if he felt like making a joke out of it； he was
entitled。
He chuckled quietly for a minute while his pinky finger absently traced
designs against the side of my
hand。
〃That's a funny scar you've got there；〃 he suddenly said； twisting my hand to
examine it。 〃How did that
happen？〃
The index finger of his free hand followed the line of the long silvery
crescent that was barely visible
against my pale skin。
I scowled。 〃Do you honestly expect me to remember where all my scars e
from？〃
I waited for the memory to hit—to open the gaping hole。 But； as it so often
did； Jacob's presence kept
me whole。
〃It's cold；〃 he murmured； pressing lightly against the place where James had
cut me with his teeth。
And then Mike stumbled out of the bathroom； his face ashen and covered in
sweat。 He looked horrible。
〃Oh； Mike；〃 I gasped。
〃Do you mind leaving early？〃 he whispered。
〃No； of course not。〃 I pulled my hand free and went to help Mike walk。 He
looked unsteady。
〃Movie too much for you？〃 Jacob asked heartlessly。
Mike's glare was malevolent。 〃I didn't actually see any of it；〃 he mumbled。 〃I
was nauseated before the
lights went down。〃
〃Why didn't you say something？〃 I scolded as we staggered toward the exit。
〃I was hoping it would pass；〃 he said。
〃Just a sec；〃 Jacob said as we reached the door。 He walked quickly back to the
concession stand。
〃Could I have an empty popcorn bucket？〃 he asked the salesgirl。 She looked at
Mike once； and then
thrust a bucket at Jacob。
〃Get him outside； please；〃 she begged。 She was obviously the one who would
have to clean the floor。
I towed Mike out into the cool； wet air。 He inhaled deeply。 Jacob was right
behind us。 He helped me get
Mike into the back of the car； and handed him the bucket with a serious gaze。
〃Please；〃 was all Jacob said。
We rolled down the windows； letting the icy night air blow through the car；
hoping it would help Mike。 I
curled my arms around my legs to keep warm。
〃Cold； again？〃 Jacob asked； putting his arm around me before I could answer。
〃You're not？〃
He shook his head。
〃You must have a fever or something；〃 I grumbled。 It was freezing。 I touched
my fingers to his forehead；
and his head was hot。
〃Whoa； Jake—you're burning up！〃
〃I feel fine。〃 He shrugged。 〃Fit as a fiddle。〃
I frowned and touched his head again。 His skin blazed under my fingers。
〃Your hands are like ice；〃 he plained。
〃Maybe it's me；〃 I allowed。
Mike groaned in the backseat； and threw up in the bucket。 I grimaced； hoping
my own stomach could
stand the sound and smell。 Jacob checked anxiously over his shoulder to make
sure his car wasn't
defiled。
The road felt longer on the way back。
Jacob was quiet； thoughtful。 He left his arm around me； and it was so warm
that the cold wind felt good。
I stared out the windshield； consumed with guilt。
It was so wrong to encourage Jacob。 Pure selfishness。 It didn't matter that
I'd tried to make my position
clear。 If he felt any hope at all that this could turn into something other
than friendship； then I hadn't been
clear enough。
How could I explain so that he would understand？ I was an empty shell。 Like a
vacant
house—condemned—for months I'd been utterly uninhabitable。 Now I was a
little improved。 The front
room was in better repair。 But that was all—just the one small piece。 He
deserved better than
that—better than a one…room； falling…down fixer…upper。 No amount of
investment on his part could put
me back in working order。
Yet I knew that I wouldn't send him away； regardless。 I needed him too much；
and I was selfish。 Maybe
I could make my side more clear； so that he would know to leave me。 The
thought made me shudder；
and Jacob tightened his arm around me。
I drove Mike home in his Suburban； while Jacob followed behind us to take me
home。 Jacob was quiet
all the way back to my house； and I wondered if he were thinking the same
things that I was。 Maybe he
was changing his mind。
〃I would invite myself in； since we're early；〃 he said as we pulled up next to
my truck。 〃But I think you
might be right about the fever。 I'm starting to feel a little strange。〃
〃Oh no； not you； too！ Do you want me to drive you home？〃
〃No。〃 He shook his head； his eyebrows pulling together。 〃I don't feel sick
yet。 Just wrong。 If I have to；
I'll pull over。〃
〃Will you call me as soon as you get in？〃 I asked anxiously。
〃Sure； sure。〃 He frowned； staring ahead into the darkness and biting his lip。
I opened my door to get out； but he grabbed my wrist lightly and held me
there。 I noticed again how hot
his skin felt on mine。
〃What is it； Jake？〃 I asked。
〃There's something I want to tell you； Bella but I think it's going to sound
kind of corny。〃
I sighed。 This would be more of the same from the theater。 〃Go ahead。〃
〃It's just that； I know how you're unhappy a lot。 And； maybe it doesn't help
anything； but I wanted you to
know that I'm always here。 I won't ever let you down—I promise that you can
always count on me。
Wow； that does sound corny。 But you know that； right？ That I would never； ever
hurt you？〃
〃Yeah； Jake。 I know that。 And I already do count on you； probably more than
you know。〃
The smile broke across his face the way the sunrise set the clouds on fire；
and I wanted to cut my tongue
out。 I hadn't said one word that was a lie； but I should have lied。 The truth
was wrong； it would hurt him。
I would let him down。
A strange look crossed his face。 〃I really think I'd better go home now；〃 he
said。
I got out quickly。
〃Call me！〃 I yelled as he pulled away。
I watched him go； and he seemed to be in control of the car； at least。 I
stared at the empty street when he
was gone； feeling a little sick myself； but not for any physical reason。
How much I wished that Jacob Black had been born my brother； my flesh…and …
blood brother； so that I
would have some legitimate claim on him that still left me free of any blame
now。 Heaven knows I had
never wanted to use Jacob； but I couldn't help but interpret the guilt I felt
now to mean that I had。
Even more； I had never meant to love him。 One thing I truly knew—knew it in
the pit of my stomach； in
the center of my bones； knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my
feet； knew it deep in my
empty chest—was how love gave someone the power to break you。
I'd been broken beyond repair。
But I needed Jacob now； needed him like a drug。 I'd used him as a crutch for
too long； and I was in
deeper than I'd planned to go with anyone again。 Now I couldn't bear for him
to be hurt； and I couldn't
keep from hurting him； either。 He thought time and patience would change me；
and； though I knew he
was dead wrong； I also knew that I would let him try。
He was my best friend。 I would always love him； and it would never； ever be
enough。
I went inside to sit by the phone and bite my nails。
〃Movie over already？〃 Charlie asked in surprise when I came in。 He was on the
floor； just a foot from the
TV。 Must be an exciting game。
〃Mike got sick；〃 I explained。 〃Some kind of stomach flu。〃
〃You okay？〃
〃I feel fine now；〃 I said doubtfully。 Clearly； I'd been exposed。
I leaned against the kitchen counter； my hand inches from the phone； and tried
to wait patiently。 I thought
of the strange look on Jacob's face before he drove away； and my fingers
started drumming against the
counter。 I should have insisted on driving him home。
I watched the clock as the minutes ticked by Ten。 Fifteen。 Even when I was
driving； it took only fifteen
minutes； and Jacob drove faster than I did。 Eighteen minutes。 I picked up the
phone and dialed。
It rang and rang。 Maybe Billy was asleep。 Maybe I'd dialed wrong。 I tried
again。
On the eighth ring； just as I was about to hang up； Billy answered。
〃Hello？〃 he asked。 His voice was wary； like he was expecting bad news。
〃Billy； it's me； Bella—did Jake make it home yet？ He left here about twenty
minutes ago。〃
〃He's here；〃 Billy said tonelessly。
〃He was supposed to call me。〃 I was a little irritated。 〃He was getting sick
when he left； and I was
worried。〃
〃He was too sick to call。 He's not feeling well right now。〃 Billy sounded
distant。 I realized he must want
to be with Jacob。
〃Let me know if you need any help；〃 I offered。 〃I could e down。〃 I thought
of Billy； stuck in his chair；
and Jake fending for himself
〃No； no；〃 Billy said quickly。 〃We're fine。 Stay at your place。〃
The way he said it was almost rude。
〃Okay；〃 I agreed。
〃Bye； Bella。〃
The line disconnected。
〃Bye；〃 I muttered。
Well； at least he'd made it home。 Oddly； I didn't feel less worried。 I trudged
up the stairs； fretting。 Maybe
I would go down before work tomorrow to check on him。 I could take soup—we
had to have a can of
Campbell's around here somewhere。
I realized all such plans were canceled when I woke up early—my clock said
four thirty—and sprinted to
the bathroom。 Charlie found me there a half hour later； lying on the floor； my
cheek pressed against the
cold edge of the bathtub。
He looked at me for a long moment。
〃Stomach flu；〃 he finally said。
〃Yes；〃 I moaned。
〃You need something？〃 he asked。
〃Call the Newtons for me； please；〃 I instructed hoarsely。 〃Tell them I have
what Mike has； and that I
can't make it in today。 Tell them I'm sorry。〃
〃Sure； no problem；〃 Charlie assured me。
I spent the rest of the day on the bathroom floor； sleeping for a few hours
with my head on a crumpled
up towel。 Charlie claimed that he had to work； but I suspected that he just
wanted access to a bathroom。
He left a glass of water on the floor beside me to keep me hydrated。
It woke me up when he came back home。 I could see that it was dark in my room
—after nightfall。 He
clumped up the stairs to check on me。
〃Stillalive？〃
〃Sort of；〃 I said。
〃Do you want anything？〃
〃No； thanks。〃
He hesitated； clearly out of his element。 〃Okay； then；〃 he said； and then he
went back down to the
kitchen。
I heard the phone ring a few minutes later。 Charlie spoke to someone in a low
voice for a moment； and
then hung up。
〃Mike feels better；〃 he called up to me。
Well； that was encouraging。 He'd only gotten sick eight hours or so before me。
Eight more hours。 The
thought made my stomach turn； and I pulled myself up to lean over the toilet。
I fell asleep on the towel again； but when I woke up I was in my bed and it
was light outside my window。
I didn't remember moving； Charlie must have carried me t