through the kitchen's back door。 I was sure he hadn't taken a breath since I'd
sliced my finger。
A numb； dead feeling was spreading through my arm。
Though it erased the sting； it reminded me of the gash； and I watched
Carlisle's face carefully to distract
me from what his hands were doing。 His hair gleamed gold in the bright light
as he bent over my arm。 I
could feel the faint stirrings of unease in the pit of my stomach； but I was
determined not to let my usual
squeamishness get the best of me。 There was no pain now； just a gentle tugging
sensation that I tried to
ignore。 No reason to get sick like a baby。
If she hadn't been in my line of sight； I wouldn't have noticed Alice give up
and steal out of the room。
With a tiny； apologetic smile on her lips； she disappeared through the kitchen
doorway。
〃Well； that's everyone；〃 I sighed。 〃I can clear a room； at least。〃
〃It's not your fault；〃 Carlisle forted me with a chuckle。 〃It could happen
to anyone。〃
〃Could〃 I repeated。 〃But it usually just happens to me。〃
He laughed again。
His relaxed calm was only more amazing set in direct contrast with everyone
else's reaction。 I couldn't
find any trace of anxiety in his face。 He worked with quick； sure movements。
The only sound besides our
quiet breathing was the soft plink； plink as the tiny fragments of glass
dropped one by one to the table。
〃How can you do this？〃 I demanded。 〃Even Alice and Esme〃 I trailed off；
shaking my head in wonder。
Though the rest of them had given up the traditional diet of vampires just as
absolutely as Carlisle had； he
was the only one who could bear the smell of my blood without suffering from
the intense temptation。
Clearly； this was much more difficult than he made it seem。
〃Years and years of practice；〃 he told me。 〃I barely notice the scent
anymore。〃
〃Do you think it would be harder if you took a vacation from the hospital for
a long time。 And weren't
around any blood？〃
〃Maybe。〃 He shrugged his shoulders； but his hands remained steady。 〃I've never
felt the need for an
extended holiday。〃 He flashed a brilliant smile in my direction。 〃I enjoy my
work too much。〃
Plink； plink； plink。 I was surprised at how much glass there seemed to be in
my arm。 I was tempted to
glance at the growing pile； just to check the size； but I knew that idea would
not be helpful to my
no…vomiting strategy。
〃What is it that you enjoy？〃 I wondered。 It didn't make sense to me—the years
of struggle and self…denial
he must have spent to get to the point where he could endure this so easily。
Besides； I wanted to keep
him talking； the conversation kept my mind off the queasy feeling in my
stomach。
His dark eyes were calm and thoughtful as he answered。 〃Hmm。 What I enjoy the
very most is when
my enhanced abilities let me save someone who would otherwise have been
lost。 It's pleasant knowing
that； thanks to what I can do； some people's lives are better because I exist。
Even the sense of smell is a
useful diagnostic tool at times。〃 One side of his mouth pulled up in half a
smile。
I mulled that over while he poked around； making sure all the glass splinters
were gone。 Then he
rummaged in his bag for new tools； and I tried not to picture a needle and
thread。
〃You try very hard to make up for something that was never your fault；〃 I
suggested while a new kind of
tugging started at the edges of my skin。 〃What I mean is； it's not like you
asked for this。 You didn't
choose this kind of life； and yet you have to work so hard to be good。〃
〃I don't know that I'm making up for anything；〃 he disagreed lightly。 〃Like
everything in life； I just had to
decide what to do with what I was given。〃
〃That makes it sound too easy。〃
He examined my arm again。 〃There；〃 he said； snipping a thread。 〃All done。〃 He
wiped an oversized
Q…tip； dripping with some syrup…colored liquid； thoroughly across the
operation site。 The smell was
strange； it made my head spin。 The syrup stained my skin。
〃In the beginning； though；〃 I pressed while he taped another long piece of
gauze securely in place； sealing
it to my skin。 〃Why did you even think to try a different way than the obvious
one？〃
His lips turned up in a private smile。 〃Hasn't Edward told you this story？〃
〃Yes。 But I'm trying to understand what you were thinking〃
His face was suddenly serious again； and I wondered if his thoughts had gone
to the same place that mine
had。 Wondering what I would be thinking when—I refused to think if—it was
me。
〃You know my father was a clergyman；〃 he mused as he cleaned the table
carefully； rubbing everything
down with wet gauze； and then doing it again。 The smell of alcohol burned in
my nose。 〃He had a rather
harsh view of the world； which I was already beginning to question before the
time that I changed。〃
Carlisle put all the dirty gauze and the glass slivers into an empty crystal
bowl。 I didn't understand what he
was doing； even when he lit the match。 Then he threw it onto the alcohol…
soaked fibers； and the sudden
blaze made me jump。
〃Sorry；〃 he apologized。 〃That ought to do it So I didn't agree with my
father's particular brand of faith。
But never； in the nearly four hundred years now since I was born； have I ever
seen anything to make me
doubt whether God exists in some form or the other。 Not even the reflection in
the mirror。〃
I pretended to examine the dressing on my arm to hide my surprise at the
direction our conversation had
taken。 Religion was the last thing I expected； all things considered。 My own
life was fairly devoid of
belief。 Charlie considered himself a Lutheran； because that's what his parents
had been； but Sundays he
worshipped by the river with a fishing pole in his hand。 Renee tried out a
church now and then； but； much
like her brief affairs with tennis； pottery； yoga； and French classes； she
moved on by the time I was
aware of her newest fad。
〃I'm sure all this sounds a little bizarre； ing from a vampire。〃 He
grinned； knowing how their casual
use of that word never failed to shock me。 〃But I'm hoping that there is still
a point to this life； even for us。
It's a long shot； I'll admit；〃 he continued in an offhand voice。 〃By all
accounts； we're damned regardless。
But I hope； maybe foolishly； that we'll get some measure of credit for
trying。〃
〃I don't think that's foolish；〃 I mumbled。 I couldn't imagine anyone； deity
included； who wouldn't be
impressed by Carlisle。 Besides； the only kind of heaven I could appreciate
would have to include
Edward。 〃And I don't think anyone else would； either。〃
〃Actually； you're the very first one to agree with me。〃
〃The rest of them don't feel the same？〃 I asked； surprised； thinking of only
one person in particular。
Carlisle guessed the direction of my thoughts again。 〃Edward's with me up to a
point。 God and heaven
exist and so does hell。 But he doesn't believe there is an afterlife for our
kind。〃 Carlisle's voice was
very soft； he stared out the big window over the sink； into the darkness。 〃You
see； he thinks we've lost
our souls。〃
I immediately thought of Edward's words this afternoon： unless you want to die
—or whatever it is
that we do。 The lightbulb flicked on over my head。
〃That's the real problem； isn't it？〃 I guessed。 〃That's why he's being so
difficult about me。〃
Carlisle spoke slowly。 〃I look at my son。 His strength； his goodness； the
brightness that shines out of
him—and it only fuels that hope； that faith； more than ever。 How could there
not be more for one such as
Edward？〃
I nodded in fervent agreement。
〃But if I believed as he does〃 He looked down at me with unfathomable eyes。
〃If you believed as he
did。 Could you take away his soul？〃
The way he phrased the question thwarted my answer。
If he'd asked me whether I would risk my soul for Edward； the reply would be
obvious。 But would I risk
Edward's soul？ I pursed my lips unhappily。 That wasn't a fair exchange。
〃You see the problem。〃
I shook my head； aware of the stubborn set of my chin。
Carlisle sighed。
〃It's my choice；〃 I insisted。
〃It's his； too。〃 He held up his hand when he could see that I was about to
argue。 〃Whether he is
responsible for doing that to you。〃
〃He's not the only one able to do it。〃 I eyed Carlisle speculatively。
He laughed； abruptly lightening the mood。 〃Oh； no！ You're going to have to
work this out with him。〃But
then he sighed。 〃That's the one part I can never be sure of。 I think； in most
other ways； that I've done the
best I could with what I had to work with。 But was it right to doom the others
to this life？ I can't decide。〃
I didn't answer。 I imagined what my life would be like if Carlisle had
resisted the temptation to change his
lonely existence and shuddered。
〃It was Edward's mother who made up my mind。〃 Carlisle's voice was almost a
whisper。 He stared
unseeingly out the black windows。
〃His mother？〃 Whenever I'd asked Edward about his parents； he would merely say
that they had died
long ago； and his memories were vague。 I realized Carlisle's memory of them；
despite the brevity of their
contact； would be perfectly clear。
〃Yes。 Her name was Elizabeth。 Elizabeth Masen。 His father； Edward Senior；
never regained
consciousness in the hospital。 He died in the first wave of the influenza。 But
Elizabeth was alert until
almost the very end。 Edward looks a great deal like her—she had that same
strange bronze shade to her
hair； and her eyes were exactly the same color green。〃
〃His eyes were green？〃 I murmured； trying to picture it。
〃Yes〃 Carlisle's ocher eyes were a hundred years away now。 〃Elizabeth
worried obsessively over her
son。 She hurt her own chances of survival trying to nurse him from her
sickbed。 I expected that he would
go first； he was so much worse off than she was。 When the end came for her； it
was very quick。 It was
just after sunset； and I'd arrived to relieve the doctors who'd been working
all day。 That was a hard time
to pretend—there was so much work to be done； and I had no need of rest。 How
I hated to go back to
my house； to hide in the dark and pretend to sleep while so many were dying。
〃I went to check Elizabeth and her son first。 I'd grown attached—always a
dangerous thing to do
considering the fragile nature of humans。 I could see at once that she'd taken
a bad turn。 The fever was
raging out of control； and her body was too weak to fight anymore。
〃She didn't look weak； though； when she glared up at me from her cot。
〃Save him！' she manded me in the hoarse voice that was all her throat could
manage。
〃I'll do everything in my power；' I promised her； taking her hand。 The fever
was so high； she probably
couldn't even tell how unnaturally cold mine felt。 Everything felt cold to her
skin。
〃You must；〃 she insisted； clutching at my hand with enough strength that I
wondered if she wouldn't pull
through the crisis after all。 Her eyes were hard； like stones； like emeralds。
'You must do everything in
your power。 What others cannot do； that is what you must do for my Edward。〃
〃It frightened me。 She looked it me with those piercing eyes；