was I gone； anyway？〃 I
tried to count the hours in my head。
〃Just three days。〃 His eyes tightened； but he smiled more naturally this time。
〃Actually； I was hoping you
might have a good explanation。 I've got nothing。〃
I groaned。 〃Fabulous。〃
〃Well； maybe Alice will e up with something；〃 he offered； trying to fort
me。
And I was forted。 Who cared what I had to deal with later？ Every second
that he was here—so
close； his flawless face glowing in the dim light from the numbers on my alarm
clock—was precious and
not to be wasted。
〃So；〃 I began； picking the least important—though still vitally interesting—
question to start with。 I was
safely delivered home； and he might decide to leave at any moment。 I had to
keep him talking。 Besides；
this temporary heaven wasn't entirely plete without the sound of his voice。
〃What have you been
doing； up until three days ago？〃
His face turned wary in an instant。 〃Nothing terribly exciting。〃
〃Of course not；〃 I mumbled。
〃Why are you making that face？〃
〃Well〃 I pursed my lips； considering。 〃If you were； after all； just a dream；
that's exactly the kind of thing
you would say。 My imagination must be used up。〃
He sighed。 〃If I tell you； will you finally believe that you're not having a
nightmare？〃
〃Nightmare！〃 I repeated scornfully。 He waited for my answer。 〃Maybe；〃 I said
after a second of thought。
〃If you tell me。〃
〃I was hunting。〃
〃Is that the best you can do？〃 I criticized。 〃That definitely doesn't prove
I'm awake。〃
He hesitated； and then spoke slowly； choosing his words with care。 〃I wasn't
hunting fot food I was
actually trying my hand at tracking。 I'm not very good at it。〃
〃What were you tracking？〃 I asked； intrigued。
〃Nothing of consequence。〃 His words didn't match his expression； he looked
upset； unfortable。
〃I don't understand。〃
He hesitated； his face； shining with an odd green cast from the light of the
clock； was torn。
〃I—〃 He took a deep breath。 〃I owe you an apology。 No； of course I owe you
much； much more than
that。 But you have to know；〃—the words began to flow so fast； the way I
remembered he spoke
sometimes when he was agitated； that I really had to concentrate to catch them
all—〃that I had no idea。 I
didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind。 I thought it was safe for you
here。 So safe。 I had no idea that
Victoria；〃—his lips curled back when he said the name—〃would e back。 I'll
admit； when I saw her
that one time； I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts。 But I
just didn't see that she had this
kind of response in her。 That she even had such a tie to him。 I think I
realize why now—she was so sure
of him； the thought of him failing never occurred to her。 It was her
overconfidence that clouded her
feelings about him—that kept me from seeing the depth of them； the bond
there。
〃Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face。 When I heard what
you told Alice—what she
saw herself—when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of
werewolves； immature； volatile；
the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself—he shuddered and the gush
of words halted for a short
second。 〃Please know that I had no idea of any of this。 I feel sick； sick to
my core； even now； when I can
see and feel you safe in my arms。 I am the most miserable excuse for—〃
〃Stop；〃 I interrupted him。 He stared at me with agonized eyes； and I tried to
find the right words—the
words that would free him from this imagined obligation that caused him so
much pain。 They were very
hard words to say。 I didn't know if I could get them out without breaking
down。 But I had to try to do it
right。 I didn't want to be a source of guilt and anguish in his life。 He
should be happy； no matter what it
cost me。
I'd really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation。 It was
going to bring things to an end so
much sooner。
Drawing on all my months of practice with trying to be normal for Charlie； I
kept my face smooth。
〃Edward；〃 I said。 His name burned my throat a little on the way out。 I could
feel the ghost of the hole；
waiting to rip itself wide again as soon as he disappeared。 I didn't quite see
how I was going to survive it
this time。 〃This has to stop now。 You can't think about things that way。 You
can't let this this guilt
rule your life。 You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me
here。 None of it is your fault；
it's just part of how life is for me。 So； if I trip in front of a bus or
whatever it is next time； you have to
realize that it's not your job to take the blame。 You can't just go running
off to Italy because you feel bad
that you didn't save me。 Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die； that
would have been my choice； and
not your fault。 I know it's your your nature to shoulder the blame for
everything； but you really can't
let that make you go to such extremes！ It's very irresponsible—think of Esme
and Carlisle and—〃
I was on the edge of losing it。 I stopped to take a deep breath； hoping to
calm myself。 I had to set him
free。 I had to make sure this never happened again。
〃Isabella Marie Swan；〃 he whispered； the strangest expression crossing his
face。 He almost looked mad。
〃Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty？〃
I could feel the blank inprehension on my face。 〃Didn't you？〃
〃Feel guilty？ Intensely so。 More than you can prehend。〃
〃Then what are you saying？ I don't understand。〃
〃Bella； I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead；〃 he said； voice
soft； eyes fierce。 〃Even if
I'd had no hand in your death〃—he shuddered as he whispered the last
word—〃even if it wasn't my
fault； I would have gone to Italy。 Obviously； I should have been more careful
—I should have spoken to
Alice directly； rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie。 But； really；
what was I supposed to
think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral？ What are the odds？
〃The odds〃 he muttered then； distracted。 His voice was so low I wasn't sure
I beard it right。 〃The odds
are always stacked against us。 Mistake after mistake。 I'll never criticize
Romeo again。〃
〃But I still don't understand；〃 I said。 〃That's my whole point。 So what？〃
〃Excuse me？〃
〃So what if I was dead？〃
He stared at me dubiously for a long moment before answering。 〃Don't you
remember anything I told you
before？〃
〃I remember everything that you told me。〃 Including the words that had negated
all the rest。
He brushed the tip of his cool finger against my lower lip。 〃Bella； you seem
to be under a
misapprehension。〃 He closed his eyes； shaking his head back and forth with
half a smile on his beautiful
face。 It wasn't a happy smile。 〃I thought I'd explained it clearly before。
Bella； I can't live in a world where
you don't exist。〃
〃I am〃 My head swam as I looked for the appropriate word。 〃Confused。〃 That
worked。 I couldn't
make sense of what he was saying。
He stared deep into my eyes with his sincere； earnest gaze。 〃I'm a good liar；
Bella； I have to be。〃
I froze； my muscles locking down as if for impact。 The fault line in my chest
rippled； the pain of it took my
breath away。
He shook my shoulder； trying to loosen my rigid pose。 〃Let me finish！ I'm a
good liar； but still； for you to
believe me so quickly。〃 He winced。 〃That was excruciating。〃
I waited； still frozen。
〃When we were in the forest； when I was telling you goodbye—〃
I didn't allow myself to remember。 I fought to keep myself in the present
second only。
〃You weren't going to let go；〃 he whispered。 〃I could see that。 I didn't want
to do it—it felt like it would
kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't
love you anymore； it would just
take you that much longer to get on with your life。 I hoped that； if you
thought I'd moved on； so would
you。〃
〃A clean break；〃 I whispered through unmoving lips。
〃Exactly。 But I never imagined it would be so easy to do！ I thought it would
be next to impossible—that
you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth
for hours to even plant the
seed of doubt in your head。 I lied； and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt
you； sorry because it was a
worthless effort。 Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I an。 I lied to
save you； and it didn't work。
I'm sorry。
〃But how could you believe me？ After all the thousand times I've told you I
love you； how could you let
one word break your faith in me？〃
I didn't answer。 I was too shocked to form a rational response。
〃I could see it in your eyes； that you honestly believed that I didn't want
you anymore。 The most absurd；
ridiculous concept—as if there were anu way that I could exist without
needing you！〃
I was still frozen。 His words were inprehensible； because they were
impossible。
He shook my shoulder again； not hard； but enough that my teeth rattled a
little。
〃Bella；〃 he sighed。 〃Really； what were you thinking！〃
And so I started to cry。 The tears welled up and then gushed miserably down my
cheeks。
〃I knew it；〃 I sobbed。 〃I knew I was dreaming。〃
〃You're impossible；〃 he said； and he laughed once—a hard laugh； frustrated。
〃How can I put this so that
you'll believe me？ You're not asleep； and you're not dead。 I'm here； and I
love you。 I have always loved
you； and I will always love you。 I was thinking of you； seeing your face in my
mind； every second that I
was away。 When I told you that I didn't want you； it was the very blackest
kind of blasphemy。〃
I shook my head while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of my eyes。
〃You don't believe me； do you？〃 he whispered； his face paler than his usual
pale—I could see that even
in the dim light。 〃Why can you believe the lie； but not the truth？〃
〃It never made sense for you to love me；〃 I explained； my voice breaking
twice。 〃I always knew that。〃
His eyes narrowed； his jaw tightened。
〃I'll prove you're awake；〃 he promised。
He caught my face securely between his iron hands； ignoring my struggles when
I tried to turn my head
away。
〃Please don't；〃 I whispered。
He stopped； his lips just half an inch from mine。
〃Why not？〃 he demanded。 His breath blew into my face； making my head whirl。
〃When I wake up〃—He opened his mouth to protest； so I revised—〃okay； forget
that one—when you
leave again； it's going to be hard enough without this； too。〃
He pulled back an inch； to stare at my face。
〃Yesterday； when I would touch you； you were so hesitant； so careful； and
yet still the same。 I need to
know why。 Is it because I'm too late？ Because I've hurt you too much？ Because
you have moved on； as
I meant for you to？ That would be quite fair。 I won't contest your decision。
So don't try to spare my
feelings； please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me； after
everything I've done to you。
Can you？〃 he whispered。
〃What kind of an idiotic question is that？〃
〃Just answer it。 Please。〃
I stared at him darkly for a long moment。 〃The way I feel about you will never
change。 Of course I love
you—and there's nothing you can do a