Jitney will do？it should only take an extra couple hours of miserable bumper…to…bumper traffic。
But trust me； it will be worth it when you？re digging your toes into the shimmering sand。 What
price glory！
Since you？d all be helpless without me； I？ll lay out exactly what you need to bring。 。 。 。
packing list for a hasty hamptons departure
？ Oversize Chanel sunglasses or old…school aviators。 Impostor sunglasses are a little like
impostor models： they look fine on first inspection； but close…up they just look bad。
？ Clarins SPF 30 with moisturizer。 That whole tanned…to…a…crisp thing went out with last year？s
espadrilles。
？ Kiehl？s SPF 15 lip balm with berry tint。 Just because you？re avoiding tan lines doesn？t mean
your lips should go naked。
？ A monogrammed boat bag with matching towel。 Sort of the designer equivalent of name tags
on your clothes for summer camp。 If you lose a towel； keep your fingers crossed that a hottie finds
it？and then finds you to return it。
？ Metromint mint…flavored water。 It？s cooling for a hot day in the sun。 Plus； it freshens your
breath； making you all the more kissable。 Mwa！ Mwa！ Mwa！
？ Your best friends。 You？re going to need someone to rub Coppertone on your back； and we all
know that summer fling of yours isn？t really a long…term solution。 。 。 。
your e…mail
Speaking of summer flings； it seems from your e…mails that you all are having some serious
relationship woes。 Let me help you out：
Q：？
Dear GG；
？
I？ve been living with my ex…boyfriend/friend； and now I？m planning to take off for a while。 It？s
nothing personal？just a vacation。 What？s the protocol？ Do I tell him or just let him figure it out？
？
？Roommate on the Run
A：？
Dear RotR；
？
Just because you know how your roommate kisses doesn？tmean you should go and throw the
house rules out the pent…house window。 Allow me to share the basics： 1） Food is munal unless
otherwise labeled。 2） Give a call if you？re not ing home at night？we worry！ And 3） If you
aren？t inviting us onyour vacation； the least you can do is leave a note and a gift。（I？ve been
checking out the new Marc by Marc Jacobs beachtotes； but maybe that？s just me。） Bon voyage！
？
？GG
Q：？
Dear GG；
？
I know my ex…boyfriend is living on the same street as me this summer； but I can？t figure out
which house is his。 Help！
？
？Stalking the Neighborhood
A：？
Dear Stalking；
？
Maybe you should take a clue from Hansel and Gretel and help him find his way to you。 If he？s
like every boy I know； a trail of discarded clothes will do the trick！
？
？GG
sightings
An infamous lacrosse coach？s wife？we？ll call her olderB ？ing out of a tattoo parlor in
Hampton Bays。 I wonder who the experience was more painful for： her； or the tattoo artist who
had to see her topless？ Former yoga enthusiastD chain…smoking cigarettes outside the Strand。
Looks like those downward…dog days are over。 That is； unless someone else can whip him into
shape 。 。 。 His little sisterJ all the way in Prague； sketching a totally adorable boy while he
sketched the local market scene？nice to see traveling hasn？t changed her！ A certain monkey…toting
Manhattanite；C ； stocking up on Fake Bake self…tanning cream in Chocolate Mousse。 Yummy！
Will the Hamptons be acmodating yet another visitor？V buying Bermuda shorts and a
black…and…white striped boatneck tee in Club Monaco on Broadway。 How positively summery of
her。S andB sharing cocktails with their look…alikes？how weird would it be if the four of them
became BFFs？！
Okay； darlings； that？s it for now。 I have a mani…pedi scheduled for this afternoon； and I still can？t
decide between pale pink Bikini with a Martini； golden…beige Cabana Boy； or bright…coral Shop
Till I Drop。 Decisions； decisions。 At least I can？t go wrong！
You know you love me。
gossip girl
b & v break out the birthday suits
？Tell me again；？ Serena sighed； idly flipping the glossy pages of that month？s JapaneseVogue as
she lay sprawled across the minimalist oak platform bed； ？why we？re inside on a day like today？？
The day in question was ninety degrees and clear as glass； with the slightest suggestion of an
ocean breeze。 Serena looked up from the close…up photo of a very blond Japanese model with
painted…on eyelashes sucking on an applered lollipop。 She could see an inviting cool patch of
shade under the wide white canvas umbrellas stationed alongside the swimming pool。 Today was
definitely a lounge…around…half…in…and…half…out…of…the…water sort of day。
？You know the answer to that；？ snapped Blair； who was angrily riffling through the dark walnut
armoire where Annabella； Bailey Winter？s housekeeper； had hung all of their garment…bagged
clothes。 ？I swear one of those fucking girls took my fucking Dolce sundress。 The one with the
grommets。 I can？t find it anywhere。？ She started haphazardly ripping dresses off of their wooden
hangers and tossing them onto the floor。
Well； that？s what maids are for！
？Mmm；？ Serena murmured。 There was nothing special about Blair throwing a tantrum； although
Serena kind of hoped she？d pick up the clothes afterwards。 But ever since they？d arrived at Bailey
Winter？s sprawling modernist pound； Blair had thrown more than her fair share？even for her。
Now that？s really saying something。
Blair was convinced that the skanky Eurotrash models Ibiza and Svetlana were out to get her。
She kept accusing them of swiping her clothes or using her La Mer SPF 45 moisturizer and
insisting that Ibiza； the brunette； was mimicking her every move； from her new chin…grazing
hairstyle to her wardrobe selections。 Serena had to admit the pair bore a troubling resemblance to
her and Blair； but they seemed harmless enough。 They were just annoying； like the copycat
ninth…grade girls back at Constance Billard。
Isn？t mimicry the most sincere form of flattery？
？Fuck this；？ Serena announced； closing the magazine and pushing it off the bed。 She
yawned。 ？I？m not going to rot in here all summer long just because we want to avoid some weird
girls with buckteeth and cross eyes。 I？m going swimming。？
？But I can？t find my new navy polka…dot Ashley Tyler cover…up；？ Blair whined。 ？What？s the
point of being a muse if I？m not dressed to inspire？ If that Ibiza girlborrowed it； I swear I？m going
to rip her malnourished arms off。？
Spoken like a true muse。
？e on； Blair。？ Serena slipped a Gauloise from the battered pack on the neatly made bed
beside her； lighting it with the silver Dunhill lighter she？d swiped from her brother； Erik。 It was
engraved with his monogram EvdW。 ？Just throw something on and let？s go。 It？s too nice outside。？
？Throw something on？ I have nothing to fucking wear because of those fucking copycats。？ Blair
threw her hands in the air； as though the piles of tissue…thin cotton and fine washed…silk garments
all around her were invisible
？Then just wear something ugly and see if they copy that；？ Serena offered； exasperated。 She
loved Blair； she really did； and they？d been best friends for forever； but sometimes she just wanted
to slap her perfectly toned little butt cheeks。
？Actually 。 。 。？ Blair threw herself onto the bed and snatched Serena？s Gauloise from her lips。
She inhaled deeply and narrowed her brilliant blue eyes thoughtfully。 ？That gives me an idea。？
？What a glorious day！？ Blair flung open the impeccably clear French glass doors to the pool
house and strode into the fierce afternoon sunshine； bare arms stretched out above her
head。 ？e on； Serena。 Let？s get some sun。？
？ing； ing；？ Serena giggled； stumbling out of the shaded bungalow； the sun…warmed
bluestone burning the soles of her freshly pedicured feet。 She held her rolled…up magazine in one
hand； a burning cigarette in the other； and her white horn…framed Cutler and Gross sunglasses
covered most of her face。 Other than that； she was pletely； totally； outrageously naked。
？Maybe we should ask Stefan for some iced coffee；？ suggested Blair； settling her own exposed
hindquarters onto a teak chaise。 Her only accessories were a tiny gold Me&Ro anklet and oversize
black Ray…Bans。
？Vhat is going on？？ demanded Ibiza； yanking her ninety…pound frame out of the pool。 She was so
emaciated she looked like one of those send…money…now third…world kids in the TV mercials；
totally overdressed in her icky trade…mark lavender…and…gold striped cutout one…piece。
？What do you mean？？ Serena casually tossed her maga…zine onto the chaise next to Blair。
？Your clothes；？ accused Svetlana； still in the water； her colorless； overprocessed hair matted flat
to her head。 ？You？re not wearing any clothes！？
？Oh dear。？ Blair sighed dramatically and turned onto her stomach。 The sweltering sun felt nice
on her bare bottom。 ？You haven？t heard？？
？Heard what？？ demanded Ibiza； glaring down at her pert； naked body。
？I guess the latest issue of EstonianVogue or whatever it is you usually read neglected to cover
the naked trend。？ Blair yawned。 ？It？s the very latest thing。？
Serena stubbed her cigarette out in a large seashell on a glass side table next to her chaise。 She
tried to avoid looking at Blair in order to suppress the unstoppable hysterics and probably a snort
that would spill out of her if she did。
？Is latest thing to go naked？？ Svetlana glanced down at her spindly bikini…thong； which she？d
probably mail…ordered from the Victoria？s Secret catalog。 The water distorted her body？s
appearance； so that it almost looked like she had actual hips and curves。
Merely an optical illusion。
？Yes； is obvious；？ scolded Ibiza； pulling down the straps on the top of her cutout suit。 Her body；
with its circular cutout tan lines； looked like a Twister mat。 ？Is much better like this。 Is European
way； really。？
？Topless is sodone though。？ Serena gave an exaggerated yawn； staring down at her magazine and
trying not to lose it。 ？Blair and I have been going topless at the beach since we were eleven； at
least。？
？At least；？ Blair chimed in。 Flat on her stomach； she put her head down and closed her eyes。
？Right。？ Ibiza took the bait。 She hopped up on one leg and then the other； tugging off the rest of
the hideous suit。 It fell to the ground with a wet slap。 ？Of course； I don？t want you to feel
unfortable； yes？？
？Yes；？ concurred Svetlana miserably。 She slipped out of her sad red polka…dot bikini and dropped
it at the pool？s edge。 Then she leapt into the water and swam away embar…rassed； her body a
skeletal flash of underfed whiteness。
？Zo glad we can all just relax now； yes？？ Ibiza asked； sounding confident but looking
unfortable just standing there； her Twister…mat body pletely naked； like she didn？t know
what to do with herself。 Blair noticed that her boobs were totally asymmetrical； like they？d been
glued on wrong。 Maybe they had。
？Have you seen hottie that lives next door？？ Ibiza started to say in a feeble attempt at casual
small talk while naked。 She shook her hands out like they were burning up。
？Maybe weshould ask Stefan for some iced coffee；？ Serena suggested； ignoring her。
？Yes； sound very good。？ Ibiza nodded then strode slowly and delib