coffee…grit…encrusted blue plastic Evergreen mug for the third time that day。 He wouldn？t mind
being dead right about now。 They？d been cleaning out the Humphreys？ ramshackle； grime…coated
Upper West Side apartment for a grueling two hours； but it felt more like two days。 Dan just
wasn？t cut out for hard labor； and he could feel the heart palpitations ing on。 At least if he died
now； he？d die young； like his idol； the poet John Keats； which he always thought was sort of
romantic。
They could bury him beneath the Strand； a copy of Baudelaire？sFleurs du Mal over his ashen
face。 Maybe Vanessa would weep dramatically as she said her final goodbyes。 Or wait； maybe
Greg would。 This was one of the many problems with recently discovering you might be gay？it
was totally unclear whether your future widower would be your longtime ex…girlfriend or your
newish…maybe…boyfriend。
After he and Dan had shared a semi…conscious drunken kiss at their literary salon earlier in the
summer； Greg seemed to have decided two things： that Dan was gay； and that they were a couple。
Dan wasn？t sure how he felt about either of those conclusions； but he hadn？t had very long to
think about it； because Greg？s grandmother had passed away a few days later； and Greg had left
for Phoenix for the funeral and to spend time with his extended family。 He？d been gone nearly a
month； and in that time Greg had sent Dan dozens of beautifully crafted e…mails； all with the same
theme： absence makes the heart grow fonder。 But every time Dan wrote back； he wasn？t sure if he
was growing any fonder of Greg 。 。 。 or just more confused。
Dan tried to shake his uncertainty away。 ？I？m going to keep cleaning；？ he announced with a
sudden surge of determination； and marched into the living room with the purposeful steps of a
military general。
Dan in the army？ Don？t ask； don？t tell！
？Be my guest；？ Vanessa retorted as she threw another huge stack of newspapers into the
recycling bin。 ？As far as I？m concerned； it？s a lost cause。？ Earlier that summer； her older sister
Ruby had returned from Europe with her new Czech boyfriend； Piotr； in tow and had proceeded to
kick Vanessa out of the cozy Williamsburg apartment they？d shared for the last three years。
Thanks； sis！ Since then； Vanessa had been living in Dan？s sister Jenny？s room while Jenny was at
art school in Prague for the summer。 Since Dan was heading to Evergreen College in Washington
State in less than two weeks and Jenny would be off to boarding school in upstate New York； it
looked like Vanessa would be keeping her room in the Humphreys？ apartment when she started
NYU？after all； somebody had to keep Rufus； Dan and Jenny？s lesser…known Beat poet editor
father； pany。 So she？d decided to spend the weekend redecorating the totally dismal pad。 And
really； what better way to try out Dan？s newQueer Eye decorating skills？ If he even had any。 He
was so fresh out of the closet it was hard for her to believe it was really true。 But maybe that？s
because she didn？twant it to be true。
Didn？t she？
Dan closed his eyes； remembering the feel of Greg？s lips on his； his scratchy blond chin stubble
scraping against Dan？s jaw。 The more he went over it in his mind； Dan wasn？t even sure how he
felt about the kiss anymore？or about Greg？except that he was pretty sure he didn？t really have any
desire to do it again anytime soon。 He？d promised himself he was going to get to the bottom of
this before he hopped into the 1977 Buick Skylark his dad had given him for graduation and drove
to Evergreen in ten days。 If he were going to reinvent himself in college； which was basically the
whole point of going to college in the first place； figuring out his sexuality would be a good place
to start。 He？d even picked up a book at the Strand； where he？d worked all summer；
calledUnlocking the Closet 。 It explained that feelings of confusion and despair were natural while
you were transitioning from one sexual identity to another； and said that one should be totally
willing to ask oneself the really ？tough？ questions。 Which he really was trying to do。 Like； if he
wasn？t truly gay； then why had he kissed Greg in the first place？ Then again； why was Vanessa
suddenly looking so hot with newsprint smudges across her pale cheek？
Good question。
Dan moved over to the sad gray curtains shading the floor…to…ceiling windows in the musty living
room and attempted to tie one limp side back with a twist tie he？d found with the garbage bags
under the kitchen sink。 The yellow twist tie fell to the ground and he bent down to pick it up。
Vanessa sighed as she watched him。 He was really going to have to get in touch with his inner
diva if he was going to make a go of it as a New York City…bred gay man。
？There； how？s that？？ Dan secured the garbage tie and stood back to admire his handiwork；
looking more optimistic than he had all day。 He placed both hands on his hips。 ？Somuch better；
right？？ The fabric hung to the side； exposing the dirty hand…printed and dust…streaked window。
Vanessa looked from the window to her ex…boyfriend？who now apparently had boyfriends of his
own。 ？Uh 。 。 。 yeah；？ she intoned； fluffing a lumpy brown leather sofa pillow that resembled a
giant potato。 ？That？s just great。 I？m sure we？ll be featured inTown & Country next month。？ The
truth was； Vanessa kind of missed him。 After returning from a hellish stint as a nanny and then
some sort of fashion muse out in the Hamptons； and since Greg had left for Phoenix； she and Dan
had spent the last month hanging out in the city； but it had been 。 。 。 different。 They had fallen into
a fortable； friendly sort of small…talk…making rapport？with none of the sexual tension or
heated argument you？d expect from two exes living in such close quarters。
With so little time before Dan left for college； Vanessa couldn？t believe that this was the way
they were going to leave things。 Not even one last lingering kiss or one last roll in the hay？ Every
time Dan brushed past her when he was making his umpteenth cup of Folgers crystals； or on the
way to the bathroom； when she caught a whiff of stale Camels and coffee grounds； she had to stop
herself from throwing him down on the dust…bunny…littered floor and ripping off his brown；
frayed…at…the…bottom； zillion…year…old cords。 In fact； now that Dan was gay？and pletely
unattainable？the thought was more appealing than ever。
A key jiggled in the front door and it swung open with a bang as Rufus Humphrey？s bulk filled
the doorway。 He wore a pair of denim overalls splattered in white paint with a faded brown
ANTEATERS HAVE FEELINGS TOO T…shirt underneath； and scuffed； red bowling shoes on his
feet。 A white straw Panama hat was perched jauntily atop his wiry； shoulder…length gray hair； and
his bushy salt…and…pepper beard was partially braided； with a hot pink elastic at the end。
？Hey Dad；？ Dan called from his station at the window。 ？Check out？？ ？Close your eyes； Dan！？
Rufus boomed； holding up one hand； palm out in a stop…in…the…name…of…love pose； as if he were
auditioning to be the next Supreme。 Dan was too surprised to do anything but ply。 He closed
his eyes； his mind racing with the possibilities。 Chinese food for lunch？ He was starving。 An iPod
to take to college with him？ A first edition of his favorite novel of all time；The Sorrows of Young
Werther by Goethe？
？Danny； darrrrrrrling！？ A preening； soprano…pitched voice sang out behind Rufus。 Dan？s eyes
snapped open。 Whatever he was expecting； it definitely wasn？t this。
？Mom？！？
Jeanette Humphrey flew into the room like an exotic bird just released from captivity； dressed in
a turquoise floor…length sundress and carrying two large brown shopping bags。 She threw her long；
gray…streaked mousy brown hair over one shoulder； elbowed Rufus aside with an exasperated sigh；
and flung her skinny arms around Dan in a cloud of poisonously strong floral perfume。 Dan just
stood there in a state of shock； his arms like chow fun noodles as he tried to wrap his mind around
the fact that this was actually happening。 What the fuck？ Was this really his mother； after； what；ten
years？ Or was this an acid flashback； like a real…life Howl poem？ Oh wait； he had never done acid。
What was shedoing here？
Vanessa watched with a fascination that bordered on horror as the mythical Mrs。 Humphrey
proceeded to kiss Dan all over his face； leaving violent tracks of bright pink lipstick smeared
across his sunken cheeks。
？Howare you； my pet？？ Jeanette chirped as she squeezed her son so tightly it looked like he
might suffer internal organ damage。 ？It？s been absolutelyages ！？ She cupped Dan？s pained；
mortified face and led him； zombielike； to the couch。 Vanessa had never seen him get whisked
around before and with so little plaint。 Rufus winked merrily at Vanessa from beneath his
white hat； and sauntered through the chipped； oak…trimmed doorway into the kitchen。 Vanessa
followed him； not quite sure where to go。 Rufus pulled out a clear Tupperware container full of
weird brown goo that had been shoved in the back of the fridge； peeling back the lid and sniffing
happily。
？Redecorating？？ His voice boomed as he opened the utensil drawer and rummaged through
it。 ？The curtains look phenomenal！ That your golden touch； Dan？？ Rufus yelled toward the living
room。 ？This place could usesomething ； that？s for sure。？ He pulled out a lime green spatula and
began using it as a spoon。
？It could use something？like a wrecking ball！？ Jeanette？s voice rang out from the other
room。 ？Or a can of gasoline and a lit match！？ She came striding into the kitchen； the blue folds of
her sundress flying to and fro； while Dan trailed behind； carrying her bags。 Gliding up to Vanessa；
she smiled broadly and extended one hand laden with turquoise rings for Vanessa to shake 。 。 。 or
kiss 。 。 。 or high…five？ It was hard to tell； the way she was holding it； and finally Vanessa just
bumped fists with her like they were old homies。
What up； dawg？
It was so strange meeting Dan？s mom after all this time？it was like looking at a slightly more
feminine version of Dan？plete with long brown hair and too much hippie jewelry。 ？You must
be Vanessa；？ Jeanette exclaimed； her hazel…blue eyes sparkling manically。 ？I？ve heardso much
about you。？ ？You too；？ Vanessa lied； because in truth； she really hadn？t。 As far as she knew； Dan？s
mom had disappeared with Count Dracula or Count Chocula or something and was never heard
from again。
Dan？s palms were slick with sweat and his wrists trembled under the weight of the bags。 His
mother。 Really； she was the last thing he needed。 On top of trying to figure out once and for all
whether or not he was gay； he was going to have to play catch…up with this person who had
basically abandoned him when he was only eight。 Or was he ten？ She？s been gone so long he
really couldn？t remember。 He？d certainly stopped missing her years ago； but now here she was in
all her perfumed； turquoise jewelry…wearing glory； acting like her presence was really no big deal。
Jesus。 Jenny had seen their mom in Prague。Why hadn？t shewarned him？