械摹！�
Absent…minded Professor
There were three professors at the railway station。 They were deep in conversation。 The train had just arrived； but they did not notice it。 Then the guard shouted； “Take your seats； please！”
The professors heard the guard and rushed for the train。 Two of them got on the train before it moved。 The third one was left behind。 It was Professor Egghead。 He looked worried。
One of the professor’s students was at the station。 He tried to fort the professor。 “It wasn’t really bad； sir；” said the student。 “Two out of three caught the train。 That’s quite good； you know。” “I know；” the professor said。 “But it was my train。 My friends only came to say goodbye。”
。。
花样年华 第三章（1）
您可以下来了
我的一个朋友在游船上工作。由于潮水当时涨得很高，船停靠在墨西哥的一个港口，游客们不得不踩着一条很窄的跳板才能上岸。
当一位七十多岁的老妇人站在跳板的顶端时，船上所有的工作人员都吓呆了。 跳板太窄，根本没有搀扶老人的空间。因此，老妇人只好慢慢地侧着身子往下走，最终当她安全抵达码头后，大家悬着的心才放了下来。下来后，老妇人转过身，冲着跳板的另一端喊道：“没事的，妈妈，您现在可以下来了。”
You Can e Down
The cruise ship my friend was working on socked at a Mexican port during a very high tide。 Everyone on board was forced to use the ship’s narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below。
The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70’s appeared at the top of the plank。 There wasn’t room for anyone to assist her； so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely； to everyone’s relief。 As she stepped down； she turned； looked back at the top of the plank and shouted； “it’s okay； mother； you can e down now。”
银行家和画家
一位很富有的巴黎银行家恳求一位著名的画家为自己画一张小画。
画家画完之后，向他收取一百万法郎的报酬。
“为什么？你仅用了5分钟的时间。”银行家说。
“是的，”画家回答，“可是我用了30年的时间才学到这5分钟里所做的事。”
The Banker and the Artist
A rich Paris banker begged a well…known artist to do a little thing for his album。 The artist did the little thing and asked a million francs。
“Why； it only took you five minutes to do it；” said the banker。
“Yes；” replied the artist； “but it took me thirty years to learn how to do it in five minutes。”
蜜月新人
有一对正在华盛顿度蜜月的新婚夫妇， 他们来到水门旅馆登记住宿。到了晚上，丈夫刚要熄灯，新娘子问道：“你觉得房间里会不会装有窃听器？”
“亲爱的，那都是多少年前的事了。”丈夫劝她打消这种念头。
“然而假如真的藏着传声器，那该怎么办呢？叫人多难堪啊！”
因此，新郎搜查了一圈，从桌子底下和挂画后面的墙壁。最后，他翻开了地毯。不出所料，地板上有个外表奇特的小东西。他拧下螺丝，拆掉零件，之后就上床睡觉了。
第二天早上，这对新人被旅馆的工作人员的敲门声惊醒。工作人员问他们晚上睡得怎么样。
“很好啊，”新郎回答到，“为什么你要问这个问题呢？”
“这太奇怪了，”工作 人员说道，“昨天夜里，你们楼下那对夫妇被枝型吊灯砸了。”
Honeymooners
A pair of honeymooners checked into the Watergate Hotel in Washington； D。 C。 That night； as the husband was about to turn off the light； his bride asked； “Do you think this room is bugged？”
“That was a long time ago； sweet…heart；” he reassured her。
“But what if there’s a microphone somewhere？ I’d be so embarrassed。”
So the groom searched under the tables and behind the pictures。 Then he turned back the rug。 Sure enoush； there was a funny…looking gizmo in the floor。 He took out the screws； got rid of the hardware； and climbed into bed。
The next morning the newly weds were awakened by a hotel clerk who wanted to know if they had slept well。
花样年华 第三章（2）
“We did；” replied the groom。 “Why do you ask？”
“It’s rather unusual。” The clerk answered； “Last night the couple in the room below yours had a chandelier fall on them。”
没什么
曾经有一个英国人半夜从房间里出来，来到旅店的走廊上，向旅店的服务员要了一杯水。服务员拿来了水，英国人就回到了房间，可几分钟之后他又走了出来，向服务员又要了一杯水。服务员又拿了一杯。英国人每隔几分钟就走出房间，不断地要水。半个小时之后，这位惊讶不已的服务员打算问问房客要水做什么，英国人泰然自若地回答：“没什么，只不过是我的房间里起火了。”
Nothing
Once； late at night； an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water。 The servant did as he was asked。 The Englishman re…entered his room； but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for a glass of water。 The servant brought him another glass of water。 Every few minutes the Englishman would e out of his room and repeat his request。 After a half…hour the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water。 “Nothing；” the Englishman answered imperturbably；“It’s simply that my room is on fire。”
不能让他跑了
一只雄蟹遇到了一只雌蟹，便向她求婚。雌蟹发现他是直着走路，而不是横着走。她心想，这只雄蟹真是与众不同，我可不能让他跑了。于是他们很快就结婚了。
第二天，雌蟹发现她的新郎走起路来和普通螃蟹一样。她便疑惑重重。“你怎么了？”她问，“我们结婚之前你可是直着走路的。”
“哦，宝贝，”他回答说，“我不可能每天都喝那么多啊。”
I Can’t Let Him Get away
A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him。 She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways。 Wow； she thought； this crab is really special。 I can’t let him get away。 So they got married immediately。
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs； and got upset。 “What happened？” she asked。“You used to walk straight before we were married。”
“Oh； honey；” he replied； “I can’t drink that much every day。”
承包商
三个建筑承包商去世以后进入了天堂—— 一个黑人，一个犹太人，还有一个意大利人。当他们到达天堂后，圣彼得热情地招待了他们，并问他们能否在进入天堂之前帮他一个忙：天堂之门需要修理，因此想让他们做一下预算。
黑人承包商仔细查看了这项工作，估计要花费600美圆。当被问及他是怎样计算出这个数字的时候，他说道：“200美圆的材料，200美圆的劳务费，200美圆的利润。”
圣彼得又问犹太承包商的估价，在经过了一番仔细的勘察后，犹太人说道：“需要3000美圆——1000美圆的材料，1000美圆的劳务费，1000美圆的利润。”
当圣彼得问意大利人的估价时，意大利人完全没有作任何调查就脱口而出：“2600美圆。”圣彼得问他是怎样得出这个数字的，意大利人回答说：“非常简单，1000美圆给你，1000美圆给我，还有600美圆找一个低价的竞标者来做这份工作。”
Contractors
Three construction contractors died and went to heaven—a Black； a Jew； and an Italian。 When they got there St。 Peter weled them warmly and asked if they could do him a favor before they entered heaven。 It seems that the Pearly gates were in need of some repair； and he wanted some estimates。
花样年华 第三章（3）
The Black contractor looked the job over carefully and estimated the job at 600。 When asked how he came up with that figure； he said； “200 materials； 200 labor； and200 profit。”
St。 Peter then asked the Jewish contractor for an estimate。 After careful inspection the Jew answered； “3000—1000 materials； 1000 labor； and1000 profit。”
When St。 Peter ask the Italian for an estimate； he answered immediately without looking over the job at all—2600。 Asked how he came up with that figure he answered； “Simple； 1000 for you。 1000 for me； and 600 to get the low bidder over there to do the work。”
省 钱
美国人亨利来到伦敦度假。
有一天，他感觉不舒服，便来到旅馆服务台向服务员咨询：“我想看病，你能帮我找一位好医生吗？”
服务员翻阅了一下本子，然后说：“肯尼思·格雷医生，61010。”
亨利说：“非常感谢，他看病收费贵吗？”
“喔，”服务员回答说，“初诊患者收费2英镑，复诊收费英镑。”
亨利琢磨着能省下50便士，于是，他去看病时对医生说：“我又来了，医生。”
医生一言不发地端详着他的面容，过了一会儿点点头说道：“哦，对。”医生给亨利做完检查后说：“病情得到了控制，继续吃上次我给你的药就可以了。”
Save Money
Henry was from the United States and he had e to London for a holiday。
One day he was not feeling well； so he went to the clerk at the desk of his hotel and said； “I want to see doctor。 Can you give me the name of a good one？”
The clerk looked in a book and then said； “Dr。 Kenneth Grey； 61010。 ”
Henry said； “Thank yon very much。 Is he expensive？’”
“Well；” the clerk answered；“he always charges his patients two pounds for their first visit to him； and one pound and 50 pennies for later visits。”
Henry decided to save 50 pennies； so when he went to see the doctor； he said； “I’ve e again； doctor。 ”
For a few seconds the doctor looked at his face carefully without saying anything。 Then he nodded and said；“Oh； yes。” He examined him and then said；“Everything’s going as it should do。 Just continue with the medicine I gave you last time。”
给我一元钱
儿子：爸爸，给我1角钱。
父亲：儿子呀，你不觉得你已经长大了，不应该再这样1角1角地要钱了，不是吗？
儿子：爸爸，我觉得您说得对极了。那么，给我1元钱，行吗？
Give Me a Dollar
Son： Dad； give me a dime。
Father： Son； don't you think you're getting too big to be forever begging for dimes？
Son： I guess you're right； Dad。 Give me a dollar； will you？
新律师闹笑话
一个人在顺利通过资格考试后， 开了一家属于自己的律师事务所。他正坐在桌子旁边无所事事时，他的秘书走进来，说有一个叫琼斯的先生找他。“快请他进来！”律师说道。就在琼斯先生被带进办公室时，他有了一个想法，于是他迅速拿起电话，对着电话大声叫道：“……你去告诉他们，没有5万美圆，我们是不会接这个案子的。假如不接受这个条件，就不要再打电话过来了！”
他“砰”的一声挂断了电话，站起来对琼斯先生说：“早上好，琼斯先生，有什么需要我效劳的？”
“我是电话公司的，”琼斯先生说道，“我是过来为您接电话线的。”
New Lawyer Jokes
After successfully passing the bar exam； a man opened his own law office。 He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr。 Jones had arrived to see him。 “Show him right in！” our lawyer replied。 As Mr。 Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea。 He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it “。。。and you tell them that we won’t accept less then fifty thousand dollars； and don’t even call me until you agree to that amount。”
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr。 Jones：“Good Morning； Mr。 Jones； what can I do for you？”
“I’m from the phone pany；” Mr。 Jones replied； “I’m here to connect your phone。”
花样年华 第四章（1）
两个猎人
两个猎人租了一架小型飞机去加拿大的一个偏僻地区打猎。要下飞机的时候，飞行员特意嘱咐他们：“千万记住，只允许带一只驼鹿，因为飞机只能承受那么大的重量。”听飞行员说完，两个猎人就打猎去了。
一个星期过后，当飞机返回原地接他们时，飞行员却看到猎人的身边有两只驼鹿。飞行员生气地说道：“我提醒过你们，只能带一只驼鹿。你们必须放弃一只，因为飞机根本承受不了这样的重量。”“哦，帮帮忙，”两个猎人哀求道，“去年那个飞行员就带了两只驼鹿呢。你真是个胆小鬼。”
飞行员害怕被扣上胆小鬼的帽子，于是就勉强同意了。飞机刚刚越过一个湖，就开始逐渐下沉。飞行员使尽浑身解数也未能逃脱劫难，飞机最终坠落在湖边的一片树林里。过了一会儿，一个猎人站了起来，看着飞机的残骸说：“我们这是在哪里？”另—个猎人回答：“哦，我觉得比去年还远了100码呢。”
Two Hunters
Two hunters hire a small plan