他刚要锯冰面的时候，那个巨大的声音喝止他说：“现在，我第三次警告你，这下面没有鱼！”
酒鬼顿时有些惊慌失措，甚至恐惧起来，于是他问那个声音：“你是如何知道这下面没有鱼的？上帝呀，难道是你在警告我吗？”
“不是，”那个声音回答他，“我是冰球场的经理。”
Ice Fishing
A drunk decides to go ice fishing； so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice。 He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole。
All of a sudden； a loud booming voice es out of the sky。 “You will find no fish under that ice。”
The drunk looks around； but sees no one。 He starts sawing again。 Once more； the voice speaks； “as I said before； there are no fish under the ice。”
The drunk looks all around； high and low； but can’t see a single soul。 He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish。
Before he can even start cutting； the huge voice interrupts。“I have warned you three times now。 There are no fish！”
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared； so he asks the voice； “how do you know there are no fish？ Are you God trying to warn me？”
“No；” the voice replied。 “I am the manager of this hockey rink。”
。 最好的txt下载网
花样年华 第六章（1）
一个坏印象
在一列火车上，有6个乘客刚好坐在同一个包厢内。有5个人很安静，举止优雅。唯独第6个年轻人态度十分粗鲁，给其他旅客带来了许多麻烦。
这个年轻人拖着两个沉重的皮箱下了车。没有一个人帮助他，直到他走得很远了，一个人才打开窗户，冲着他大喊道：“你把什么东西留在包厢里了！”然后又关上了窗户。
年轻人拎着两个沉甸甸的皮箱，转过身，急匆匆地跑了回来。他筋疲力尽地跑到窗前，大喊道：“我把什么东西忘在车上了？”
当火车再次发动时，叫他回来的旅客打开窗户，说道：“一个极坏的印象！”
A Bad Impression
Six people were traveling in a partment on a train。 Five of them were quiet and well behaved； but the sixth was a rude young man who was causing a lot of trouble to the other passengers。
At last this young mall got out at a station with his two heavy bags。 None of the other passengers helped him； but one of them waited until the rude young man was very far away； and then opened the window and shouted to him； “you left something behind in the partment！” then he closed the window again。
The young man turned around and hurried back with his two bags。 He was very tired when he arrived； but he shouted through the window； “what did I leave behind？”
As the train began to move again； the passenger who had called him back opened the window and said； “a very bad impression！”
不同的听众
阿尔·史密斯是个名人，他曾担任过纽约州的州长，出生在纽约市东部的一个穷苦家庭。他接受的教育不多，然而他工作努力，最终赢得了巨大成就。
有一天，他以州长的身份访问了辛辛监狱。辛辛监狱是美国最大的监狱之一。监狱长请史密斯对囚犯们说几句话。史密斯先生以前从来没有对犯人讲过话，他不知道如何开口。
最后，他终于开口说道：“我亲爱的公民们……”接着他想起一个人蹲监狱就不再是公民了。他再次开始：“我亲爱的囚犯们……”那听起来也不好，于是他说：“噢，不管怎样，今天在这里能见到你们这么多人，我真是太高兴了。”
A Different Kind of Audience
AI Smith was governor of New York State。 He was a famous man。 He was born very poor on the East Side of New York City。 He had little education。 He worked very hard and won great success。
One day； as governor； he was visiting the state prison at Sing…Sing。 Sing…Sing is one of the largest prisons in the United States。 The head of the prison asked Mr。 Smith to say something to the prisoners。 Mr。 Smith had never spoken to this kind of audience before。 He did not know how to begin。
Finally； he said；“My fellow citizens。。。” Then he remembered that when a man goes to prison he is no longer a citizen。 He began again； “My fellow prisoners。。。” That did not sound right； so he said：“Well； anyway； I’m glad to see so many of you here today。”
妻管严
传说，古代有个国家的臣民都受妻子管制。国王很想驳斥这一传言。于是，他把全国的男人都召来，并警告说，要严惩任何不讲真话的人。然后，国王命令那些顺从妻子的男人站到大厅的左边。
结果，所有的男人都站到了左边，唯独一个小个子男人站到了右边。书 包 网 txt小说上传分享
花样年华 第六章（2）
“太好了，”国王说，“我们国家到底还是有一位真正的男子汉。你告诉这些软弱无能的笨蛋，为什么这么多人中只有你站在大厅的右边。”
“陛下，”那个男人尖声尖气地答道，“因为在出门之前，我老婆告诉我，不许扎堆。”
Henpecked Husbands
The ruler of all ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives。 He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely。 Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives’ directions and counsel to step to the left side of the hall。
All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right。
“It’s good to see；” said the king；“that we have one real man in the kingdom。 Tell these chicken…hearted dunces why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall。”
“Your Majesty；” came the reply in a squealing voice； “it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds。”
狂人马丁
很久以前，有一个名叫佛瑞德的人。他认为自己足够凶悍和强壮，因此决定独闯美国西部的蛮荒地区。
于是，佛瑞德来到了西部边境，并在一个荒凉小镇的酒吧里做了一名招待员。没过多久，佛瑞德就展现出自己强悍与凶狠的一面。酒吧老板看到他把酒吧里打架的人分开，并且很少占别人便宜，就很高兴地告诉他工作完成得很好，但是一定要牢记：“假如你听说狂人马丁要来小镇的消息，就要收好所有能收好的东西，在柜台上放一瓶‘赤珠’鸡尾酒，然后尽快离开小镇。”
听了这些，佛瑞德感到非常困惑，他努力想找到答案。后来，有人告诉他这个狂人是住在山里的一个巨人，他每年都要有一次或两次到山下的小镇来。很明显，马丁是他们所听说过的最危险的人，几乎没有人能在见到马丁后还能活着回来讲述有关马丁的故事。佛瑞德听得很认真，可很快就忘得一干二净。
直到几个月后的一天，一个牛仔骑着一匹马飞快地穿过小镇，大声喊着：“马丁来了！快到山上去！”这喊声所产生的效果真是立竿见影。除了佛瑞德，小镇里的所有人都飞快地骑上马逃到山上去了。佛瑞德想看看马丁到底是什么样子，因为他根本不相信他有那么恐怖。于是，他在柜台上放了一瓶“赤珠”鸡尾酒，就躲在柜台后面等着。
没等多久，他就听到了街上有了动静。当佛瑞德透过墙上的洞向外看时，他看到一个身材高大、相貌丑陋的家伙，正骑着一头佛瑞德从来没见过的大野牛从街中间走来。那个家伙骑着野牛在酒吧门前停了下来，跳下野牛时，他还拍了一下它的头说：“在这儿等着我回来！”
那个家伙转过身走进酒吧。佛瑞德看到他还牵着两只巨大的山狮，他把它们栓到一个柱子上，踢了一脚大声叫道：“你们这些小猫在这儿等我！”山狮就乖乖地坐下了。 那个家伙踢倒了大门，两步就走到了柜台前。他拿起酒瓶仰起脖子一饮而尽。现在，可怜的佛瑞德害怕了，他一不小心弄出了一点声音。那个家伙向下看了看，然后怒吼道：“你到底知不知道你正看着的是谁？！”
佛瑞德鼓足勇气说：“没……没什么事！大人！您想再来一杯吗？”
那个家伙回答道：“当然不要！我没有时间了！我得离开这里，你不知道吗？狂人马丁来了！”
Mad Martin
Once upon a time； this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West。
花样年华 第六章（3）
So； Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory。 He soon proved how rough and tough he was； and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn’t skim too much off the receipts。 He told Fred that he （Fred） was doing a fine job； but he should remember one thing：“If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is ing to town； just save what you can； put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter； and head out of town as fast as you can。
Fred was pretty perplexed at this； and sought explanation。 He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year。 However； Martin was the most dangerous guy they’d ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale。 Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it。
Until； one day a few months later； a cowboy came tiding through town at full speed； yelling； “Martin’s ing。 Head for the hills！” The result was incredible。 Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills except Fred。 He wanted to see this guy because he didn’t believe he could be all that tough。 So； Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar； hid behind the counter； and waited。
He didn’t wait long。 Soon there was a noise in the street。 As Fred looked out a hole in the wall； he saw this huge； mean…looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen。 The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar； jumped off the beast； punched it in the head and bellowed； “Wait here till I get back！”
The fellow turned and walked up the steps。 Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes。 He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly； hollefing；“You pussycats stay here till I’m done！” The cats fearfully sat down。
Into the bar stormed the fellow； ripping the doors off the wall as he passed。 With two strides he approached the bar； picked up the bottle of Red Eye； bit off the neck； and downed it all in one gulp。 Poor Fred； thoroughly frightened by now； let out a little whimper。 The guy looked down over the bar and roared； “Who the hell do you think you’re looking at？”
Fred managed to say； “N。。。 n。。。n。。。nothing； mister。 Do you want another bottle of Red Eye？”
To which the fellow replied；“Hell no！ I don’t have time！ I got to get out of here—Mad Martin’s ing！
谁是最伟大的人
一个法官、一个教堂主教和一位指挥家正在进行一场辩论。三个人都是虚荣自负的人，他们的话题很快转到他们之中谁是最伟大的人上。
“嗯，”法官说，“我的职业既高贵又拥有权力，当我走进法庭的时候，狱警会说‘全体起立！’接着所有人都会站起来向我致意。”
“好极了，”主教说，“人们站起来向你致敬。当我出现在教堂里，人们会跪在我的面前，亲吻我的戒指，并称呼我为‘陛下’。” 。 想看书来
花样年华 第六章（4）
指挥家哼了一声，说道：“我觉得你们都不如我。当我作为客座指挥走上指挥台的时候，人们都垂着头，用手捂着眼睛，说道，‘噢，我的上帝！’”
Who Is the Greatest？
A judge； a bishop； and a conductor were having a discussion。 All three were rather vain men； and their talk soon turned to the question of which of them was the greatest。
“Well；” said the judge； “my position is one of dignity and power。 When I walk into the courtroom； the bailiff says ‘All rise！’ and all the people stand to pay me honor。”
“That’s very nice；” said the bishop。“People stand in your honor； but when people have an audience with me they kneel； kiss my ring； and they address me as ‘Your Holiness。 ’”
The conductor snorted and said； “I think I got you both beat； when I step onto the podium； as guest conductor； the people look down； put their hands over their eyes； and say ‘Oh； my God！’”
今天早上还没有呢
一个从美国得克萨斯州来的人，特别喜欢吹牛。这天，他在出租车司机的帮助下观光伦敦。
“这是什么建筑物？”得克萨斯人问。
“先生，那是伦敦塔。”出租司机回答。
“唉，在美国，我们两星期之内就可以建起一座这样的建筑物。”得克萨斯人故意拉长了腔调。
走了一会儿，他又问：“我们刚才经过的建筑物叫什么名字？”
“先生，那是白金汉宫，是女王住的地方。”
“是吗？”得克萨斯人说，“你知